Friday, 30 October 2009

Once upon a time there was a village know to many as, The Not-So-Perfect-Village. The village comprised of many streets, but on one particular street, there were only two houses. 
The people who lived there were enemies because one could do absolutely wrong whilst the other could do absolutely everything right. 
One day, both the right and the wrong person came face-to-face at a neighborhood watch meeting, the right person began to tell the wrong person how to do everything right. 
Suddenly, forgetting years of bad blood, they became friends. 
From that day on, the wrong person could do absolutely everything right. The right person was very pleased with his progress. 
The wrong person who became right started to feel very proud of himself. They both lived happily ever after.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

“Perry’s Pepper Pizza Parlor!” Perry said. 
“May I help you?”
“Yes, I’d like to order a large pepper pepperoni pizza with hot peppers and green peppers,” said the lady on the other end of the phone.
“Is that all, ma’am?” asked Perry.
“Yes, but please put the hot peppers on half the pizza and the green peppers on both halves.”
“Also, I’d like the pepperoni on the hot pepper part but not on the green pepper part.”
“But didn’t you say you wanted the green peppers on both parts?”
“That’s right,” the lady replied.
“That’s not possible!” Perry pronounced.
“Why can’t I have green peppers on the whole pizza?”
“I mean the pepperoni part.”
“I don’t see why pepperoni placement is so difficult,” the lady said. “But if that’s too much trouble, just put the pepperoni on the whole pizza!” she added impatiently.
Perry sighed. “That will be twelve dollars and fourteen cents.”
“Can you deliver my pizza?”
“Sure can. What’s your address?”
“There’s no number, but I live on Forestview Road.”
“Can you help me a little more than that?” Perry asked, trying to be as pleasant as possible.
“I live in a white trailer with a pickup truck in the driveway,” responded the lady.
Perry wanted to scream, “So does everyone else in this county!” but he restrained himself. “Can you give me a little more help than that?” he asked calmly.
“Yes, there is no blue picket fence in front of our home,” said the lady.
“Are there blue picket fences in front of all the other homes on your road?”
“No, silly, but we used to have one a few years ago. Just look for the home that doesn’t have one there anymore.”
Perry began to dream about early retirement. “I’m kind of confused,” he said in a shaky voice.
“No offense, sir,” the lady said, “but you do have a listening comprehension problem.”

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

4. Some of you should be chilling out by now - beaten down by an up.
Others of you soldier on; I promise it's all down hill from here. 

Monday, 7 September 2009

3. Now begin your descent. At no point in this journey will you lay even a little toe on an upward lying inclination - plot your peregrination accordingly.  

When the end of the day is nigh....

Thursday, 3 September 2009

2. Step atop your chosen plot of elevation.

As shown here by Sister Liberty
1. Find yourself a piece of ground higher than the one you are standing on now.

As shown here by Brother Cruise

An Experiment

Overcoming exhaustion, I was able to salvage something from my sub-conscious mind last night - not a cure or an answer, but a question. An experiment.

Should you choose to be a part of my unsanctioned R and D, I cannot guarantee your safety, I cannot give you a length of time in which the task will be completed; you could be a participant for seconds or a lifetime, over this I have no control. 

  A diagram showing, as simply as possible, an outline of afore mentioned research

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Now - Eternity

There's no hope. Can I take your order sir? Yes. Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes. Would you like that on toast? The Bermuda Jam? The sound of one hand clapping After good trip lollipop. To be "forever young" is "easy to say, but so hard to do." The Bermuda Jam tucked away on an island paradise - about to invade the United States and the rest of the world. 

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Friday, 3 July 2009

An extract from an actually humanoid conversation i had today - about those 20ps that cost £50

HE: (In an unpredictable high pitch) You know those 20ps that cost £50?
ME: (In a reassuring low tone) No. What do you mean?
HE: Those 20ps that because they've got no date on them people buy them for £50
ME: Oh right?
HE: Yeah, I had one and sold it for £250 on ebay! 
ME: No way! Where did you get that from?
HE: I just found it on the floor.
ME: No way! What are you going to spend the money on?
HE: A pogo stick and an electric motorbike.
ME: Great buys!
HE: (In a reassuring high pitch) Bye.
ME: (In an unpredictable low tone) Bye!

An extract from an actually ebay conversation i had today - about a record that hasn't arrived yet

"Thanks John, yeah, i'll keep in touch, you never know i may come tomorrow."

"IT"! I meant to write, "IT"! 

Saturday, 13 June 2009

"A summer's day, in a deep and dark Junevember." I experienced the same things Paul Simon was on about in that song today. "I am alo--------ne", I wasn't alone, i was with Perry and Adam, but we were having a competition, so i was focussed. 'Crying for my mother", check, i was. We kicked the bucket, we bent it like beckham-bar. "I AM ROCK, I AM A MO-------NSTER!"

Posted from a roaming blueberry device. 

Saturday, 6 June 2009

"Take your head on holiday..." 
"...never to return."
I loved my meetings with the guru, but of late his advice had got harder and harder to interpret, and certainly almost impossible to put into practice in everyday life. I felt like I did take my head on holiday, I really tried. 
At this point I started to think, perhaps the guru was losing it a little.


Monday, 9 March 2009

Tense? Nervous? Bloated? Scared? Young? Old? Thick? Unbelievable? Ghost? Toast? Host of a new TV Showst? You Knowst? You mowst? 

Read Nick Ainsworth's Key Chain Themed Fob Blog at, open 23:00 - 01:00 daily. 

(Advertisement only appears if you are cool, but a bit gay!)

Today is day

Chiefly I'm a poet. And you know it. 
One day I'm sure I'll blow it.
But not today, not today, today is gay!


"Rejection. Hits heavy as lead don't it?"
"You better believe it buddy, heavy as lead."
"Truly, I'm embarrassed. This has hit me somewhere deep down."
"I know it. I know what you mean. I feel your pain. Su pien es mi pien padre." 

Tuesday, 6 January 2009


Grappy Bluger!
G'i blug dru tu.
Gis geer rastes gike briss.
Gay gold gig-gaintest gee gogot....


I had a lovely Christmas thanks for asking. 
Oh yeah, loads of chocolate. 
Two actually, turkey on the 25th and then a goose on Boxing day.
I wasn't complaining.
Shirt buttons were-a-straining!


Grainy Ainy

"One yon crazy crisis of confidence...."
Immediately as I answered the question i realised i'd made a big mistake, a real y-don of a slip up! 
A word of warning to any readers. This isn't the answer an interviewer wants to hear having asked a candidate to describe themselves in six words, it's not even close!
I shuffled and hustled to right my wrong, to funder by blunder.
"....that's on a good day!"