An extract from an actually humanoid conversation i had today - about those 20ps that cost £50

HE: (In an unpredictable high pitch) You know those 20ps that cost £50?

ME: (In a reassuring low tone) No. What do you mean?

HE: Those 20ps that because they've got no date on them people buy them for £50

ME: Oh right?

HE: Yeah, I had one and sold it for £250 on ebay! 

ME: No way! Where did you get that from?

HE: I just found it on the floor.

ME: No way! What are you going to spend the money on?

HE: A pogo stick and an electric motorbike.

ME: Great buys!

HE: (In a reassuring high pitch) Bye.

ME: (In an unpredictable low tone) Bye!

An extract from an actually ebay conversation i had today - about a record that hasn't arrived yet

"Thanks John, yeah, i'll keep in touch, you never know i may come tomorrow."

"IT"! I meant to write, "IT"! 

"A summer's day, in a deep and dark Junevember." I experienced the same things Paul Simon was on about in that song today. "I am alo--------ne", I wasn't alone, i was with Perry and Adam, but we were having a competition, so i was focussed. 'Crying for my mother", check, i was. We kicked the bucket, we bent it like beckham-bar. "I AM ROCK, I AM A MO-------NSTER!"

Posted from a roaming blueberry device. 

"Take your head on holiday..." 

"What?"

"...never to return."

"What?"

I loved my meetings with the guru, but of late his advice had got harder and harder to interpret, and certainly almost impossible to put into practice in everyday life. I felt like I did take my head on holiday, I really tried. 

At this point I started to think, perhaps the guru was losing it a little.

FIND ME A GURU-APPLICANTS APPLY TO PO BOX 9U7U-SHOULD BE WISE, STYLISH & PUNCTUAL. 

Tense? Nervous? Bloated? Scared? Young? Old? Thick? Unbelievable? Ghost? Toast? Host of a new TV Showst? You Knowst? You mowst? 

Read Nick Ainsworth's Key Chain Themed Fob Blog at nickainsworth.blogspot.com, open 23:00 - 01:00 daily. 

(Advertisement only appears if you are cool, but a bit gay!)

Today is day

Chiefly I'm a poet. And you know it. 

One day I'm sure I'll blow it.

But not today, not today, today is gay!

'Rejection'

"Rejection. Hits heavy as lead don't it?"

"You better believe it buddy, heavy as lead."

"Truly, I'm embarrassed. This has hit me somewhere deep down."

"I know it. I know what you mean. I feel your pain. Su pien es mi pien padre."